


Kenny, The Horny Police

by Ihatewriting



Category: South Park
Genre: Comedy, Experimental Style, Fluff and Humor, Light-Hearted, Multi, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27026194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihatewriting/pseuds/Ihatewriting
Summary: Kenny's keen eyes in sexual tension had spotted many partners, the enchanted and the unrequited, so he became the horny police, busting lovers and cheaters alike with his giant bat, and where he got his power from?From hell, of course.
Relationships: Clyde Donovan/Bebe Stevens, Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Eric Cartman/Wendy Testaburger, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Kudos: 43





	Kenny, The Horny Police

**Author's Note:**

> I did it. A pure lighthearted, cutesy little fanfic that was not a tryhard at all. And it had almost no dialogues! What a refreshing change! The characters are presumed to be fifteen or sixteen years old. I tried to be as faithful to the ogs as possible, but some amount of OOC should be expected. Most of the tagged relationships were merely mentioned in a sentence or two, this is mainly a Style fanfic, but more so a Kenny solo. There are mentioning of drug and sex but no depiction of them at all. Enjoy the light read.

Death consumes. Well, every living being but him apparently. As he grew older and older, the symptoms happened less and less often, which was good for his mental health, one supposed, as constantly dying was, one could imagine it to be, not pleasant at all. With his incessant approaching, retreating and re-approaching of death, he had met many demons in hell, and he befriended them cause he was Kenny and he was very friendly, one of which was the succubus, that half-naked imps controlling the lustful wishes of all human. She was a great friend to him, asking him to tea many times, and they would hang out under the fiery pool filled with eternally burning sinners. It was during these hang out sessions with the succubus, that he possessed this newfound ability of his. Now that he died less and less often, it was harder and harder for them to get in touch with each other, but he still kept that ability intact, and had utilized it to the fullest degree in his daily life. 

A keen eye for lustful tendencies in man and woman, that was his ability. 

For example. It was ringing a bell in his head when one day, in the dining room, when him and the three were sitting there eating their food, he saw Bebe and Clyde walking past each other in the hall. There were no interactions between them, and for a normal person, the scene would not even draw the slightest attention, but not for him, cause he could tell. The devil is in the details, literally. He could see the eyes they cast on each other, the abscond secrets, as if there was a unwritten contract, a NDA between them, and the way her lips twitched when he crossed her, the way his feet paused for the slightest second, all these details could only mean one thing: the blonde was banging the assless boy. 

Not all such cases were this cryptic: the gay couple of the school, the public one at least, we would get to the undisclosed one soon enough, was always on his radar before they had stepped themselves out of their closets. Indeed Craig and Tweek was a weird combination, even for his desensitized taste, but it was reasonable considering them being in their own stupid little clique, that Token had too many girls chased after him for him to be gay, and Jimmy was a cripple who might as well be banging his comedy trophies cos god knows how many of those he had received, and Clyde was… well Clyde was assless, so of course not. The dramatic development of Craig and Tweek's relationship was not some secretive process but something for the whole world to see, thus his ability didn’t really do too much in this specific case. 

There are many other cases to be said. Wendy, the former girlfriend of a great friend of his, Stan, was subjected to his ability once. Though they stayed on good terms, due to Stan being a giant coward, talking with the president was still filled with awkward air, thus interactions between them were seldom. But he could see things underneath the interactions, and he saw some… let’s just say complicated lights coming off that fatso’s eyes, Mr. motherfucking Cartman. The thicc boy wanted that chick so fucking bad it hurt for one to see! Well, no one was really seeing it, because all they saw was the president and the fat boy going at each other’s throat every day without exceptions, but Kenny could see the truth. Cartman’s behavior was a concrete example of reaction formation, a self protecting mechanism, exhibiting opposite tendencies of what the man really wants. The boy wanted the girl, so he pestered the girl nonstop, making perfect sense. Sadly for Cartman, though, and Kenny would even go on to say that he felt bad for Cartman, that Wendy was probably gonna rebuff him in the most brutal manner that was possible. The girl went with Token for awhile and soon moved on to the next guy, which was no one, she stayed single till this very day, and seemingly having zero intention of binding herself onto any living being, let alone a filthy boy, anytime soon. 

Tragic story, indeed, but not that tragic.

The more he utilized his power, the more he was proud of himself, and the more he thought he was deserving of the title: the horny police. And thus it was born, the infamous horny police of South Park Highschool, infamous among his circle of friends, so Stan Kyle and Cartman, because no one else cared about Kenny enough to hear what he had to say. A police officer needed his bat, so he got himself one, a giant baseball bat, to smash the skull of any horny individual horny police would come across, to smash the horniness out of their sinful heads. He said all that to his friends, and Stan told him to stop smoking that much weed. 

He would still smoke his weed alright, and he found a way of supporting this lifestyle of his. He put some banner ads around the town:

_THE HORNY POLICE! ARE YOU SUSPECTING YOUR HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR? ARE YOU SUSPECTING YOUR WIFE OF DISLOYALTY? DO YOU THINK YOU KID IS HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE?! CALL THE HORNY POLICE!_

The business was a boom from the start, people would love to have someone deciphering the sex lives of people around them, so calls came on after another. One of the most prominent call, was actually Mrs. Marsh, who was flabbergasted when she realized the horny police was one of his son’s close friends. She said Randy was messing around at night, and sometimes leaving the house after she was perceived asleep… All these suspicious behaviors were hard for one to ignore. He promised Mrs. Marsh of confidentiality, then promised he would investigate Randy to the fullest degree. And the result was shocking: Randy was going out every night to buy cream cheese. 

Not the most climatic ending, one supposed. 

Many familiar faces called. The Tuckers, the Stotches, the Tweaks, the Donovans… well the mother was dead, but the father came to ask of Clyde’s sister’s sex lives… which was weird, the Testabergers came, the Blacks, the McCormicks… McCormicks? Yes, even his mother had seen the banner and come to him, wanting to know if his father was calling hookers into the home. That was the only case he turned down, he wouldn’t want to know the truth. 

One time, Red showed up. A pleasant surprise, a customer of his age, a classmate nonetheless. She didn’t show up to ask if her boyfriend cheated on her, however, cause she knew her boyfriend cheated on her, and came to ask for help. Apparently she saw her boyfriend hugging and kissing some other girl while entering his house, but was too scared to confront him because he might get angry and start hitting her. Sensing an abusive relationship to come, he took her case and went to confront the guy with her. He brought him his bat, and before going he nailed in some spikes on the bat to make sure of the destruction it would cause. When they got to the place, he knocked on the door with the bat, the boy opened and saw him and Red standing there and told them to fuck off. He almost bash the guy’s head in. After everything was done, he charged Red half-price; he would do so for free, but he would very much like to get high that night. 

And came the fame and the name. He became an instant celebrity in the school, known as the horny police with the bat, everywhere he went people praised him for his keen eyes and detective skills. He was more than satisfied with the outcome, even started bringing the nailed bat back to school until Mackey told him off because it was scaring the lower graders. Nevertheless, the business boomed, many classmates came for him, asking him to suss out the couples and the liars, the narcissist and the disloyal. 

One day, a girl came to him. He didn’t know the girl’s name, and the girl didn’t tell him the name, but the girl asked him about Stan. 

In his private life, he had many partners, both girls and boys, cos he didn’t mind himself some rods and shafts sometimes, and he was versatile beyond belief, top, bottom, left or right, as long as he could feel good, he would do it. There was a price for such a talent, his sex drive was enhanced, and he wanted to fuck, a lot. Not that it was such a downside to him, he was actually quite enjoying it. 

Stan was… a character. A hippie slash amateur musician slash unprofessional football player, who was constantly drunk and depressed. He was also quite the handsome one, and Kenny was digging him no less than any other person, but somehow the boy was also quite the prude when it comes to the progressive exploration of sultry behaviors, refusing the concept of one-night stand at once, and never did actively seeking for a partner after Wendy whom he broke up with years ago. 

Though Kenny knew the true reason for it. 

Kyle was… also a character. A preachy nerd that made speeches whenever he was prompted and read books as though he could earn money from doing so. The redhead was not the most popular one in the school, but occasionally someone would come forward for him, but not one of them could make it to endure Kyle’s constant, unending wraith: the boy clearly had anger issues. If Cartman was someone that had murdered, then Kyle was clearly the one that would murder, and would murder a lot, it was just a matter of time. 

The girl had a crush on Stan and was asking the horny police to suss out if she had any hope of getting in. Kenny told her to give up. 

Then later that night Cartman came, asking about Kyle’s sex life. When asked why, Cartman stated that he was made fun of for being a virgin this morning by Clyde’s crew, and was pissed beyond belief, and he wanted to know if Kyle was one as well so he could make fun of Kyle to let some steam out. 

And thus, he proposed this idea to Cartman, a seemingly insane, but not so insane idea: Stan and Kyle were definitely banging. 

Well, that was quite the vulgar term, the more civilized version: they were together.

It was no secret that they were teased as such by many people, Cartman being the most prominent of them, but no one really gave that a serious thought, just how much sense it would make if it was true: if indeed they were together. Kenny was not quote unquote, many people, Kenny was the horny police. He listed out many details for Cartman, who was flabbergasted, and utterly elated by the news: the amount of misery he could inflict upon the two boys now knowing them being gay for each other would be the gas. There was no PDA to be caught, there was no sign of anything besides close friendship between the two, and there was just nothing suspicious enough for anyone to doubt, but for Kenny, the details were galore: the way they looked at each other was just too secretive, every time at the lunch table, when there were like eight of them sitting there chatting away, the two would sometimes just stare at each other, as if they were having a conversation of themselves; some very distasteful intimacies, distasteful to the knowing bystanders that was, that were subtle if one pay them little attention, like the time one of them dragging the other one away from certain situation, which was something normal, but the way they did it, the way their touches lingered on each other’s arms and hands, hadn’t gone unnoticed, not to Kenny; the way they went back home together all the time; the way Kyle would go ape shit if someone else got too close to him physically, but if Stan had a arm on his shoulders he wouldn’t even acknowledge it; the way their seats pointed towards each other's during lab session; the way Kyle would sometimes pat the dust off Stan’s hat, and Stan would sometime straighten Kyle’s jacket for him after a regular violent outburst; not to mention the most obvious sign: Stan's depression and alcohol abuse had clearly abated since all these things happened, and Kyle had also started to gain a greater control of his temper at around the same time… what a coincidence! 

Cartman was more than convinced at that point. 

They decided to bust: What a pair of closeted little shit! Don’t even tell their best friends, keeping their dirty secrets to themselves! That would not stand. Cartman got himself a camera, but Kenny threw it away, cause he would not want have his friends blackmailed, he did however, bring himself the bat. They would bust into Stan’s house, and walk into the two boys doing whatever, and the horny police would have done another splendid job. They also bet on which one of them was the bottom, but it failed off, cause both of them agreed it would be Kyle. A power bottom, Kenny asserted, I could see the voluptuous scene in my head right now! 

The horny police and the fat partner set off, prepared to bust the love birds in their nest.

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is a finished little story that required no follow up, but if you think otherwise let me know...  
> I was gonna give Kenny a shiba inu dog as a partner, but that would make this thing way too long and I had sworn to god I will have this one work be a causal and leisure hobby and not a tryhard one, and if I keep writing, that would be a progressive more difficult for me to do so.


End file.
